For those of you that are a Philip Larkin fan, I’m sure you’ll be familiar with his poem This Be The Verse, where he rightly points out that our parents f*ck us up.
“They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra just for you.”
No-one is perfect, however hard we may (or may not) try. Life gets even more tricky if we have parents who were ‘f*cked up’ by their own parents, who were ‘f*cked up’ by their parents, who were...well you get the idea. This means, that potentially we are carrying around generations of ‘f*cked up -ness’. All unintentionally of course.
“But that poem got lodged in the back of my mind..”
I read this poem whilst I was studying psychology at the University of Hull, in the Philip Larkin building, (yes he has a building named after him in my hometown, so I feel the connection). When I read it, I just laughed and carried on with my life. But that poem got lodged in the back of my mind and popped up frequently.
“..many of these 'roles' I picked up, no longer served me.”
It wasn’t until I discovered Inner Child Healing work that I really got it, that I really started to feel the depth of this seemingly light-hearted poem. I read it again and cried.
My parents divorced when I was small (a common occurrence now of course). I have two older twin sisters, who were definitely full of energy and life! From the very beginning I had to find my ‘place’ within our family system. I, as we all do, took on a ‘role’. I played this role in order to fit in to how my family worked. I was the ‘good girl’ or ‘mummy's favourite’.
I learnt how to play this role in order to keep my place in my family. I watched what happened around me, I watched the roles that my sisters and my mum played. I observed what changed when my brother joined us. Everything that happened, I soaked up and carried on with me through all the different stages of my life.
It wasn’t until I started working on my Inner Child that I realised how so many of these ‘roles’ I had picked up, no longer served me. How some of them were actually holding me back in my life now. As I worked through all the different stages, reflecting, journaling, meditating a whole array of events surfaced that I wasn't aware had affected me so much.
The main observation was my role as ‘people-pleaser’. Being a people-pleaser may have some benefits when you are small, keeping your parents happy to get an extra dessert or to leave first in school. But being a ‘people-pleaser’ as an adult does you no good. It means you put all of your needs last and others first. It means you don’t really know who you are or what you want. It stops you from setting healthy boundaries and gaining respect from others.
“Most importantly, it has given me back my sparkle.”
With my ongoing Inner Child Healing work, I am learning to let go of what no longer serves me. I am figuring out who I am and what I want. I am embracing my inner child and learning to have fun and find joy in playful ways.
When we connect with our inner child in a positive way, we open ourselves up to the beauty of life. We learn to not take ourselves so seriously. By healing our inner child, we release that wounded hurt child within us and allow ourselves to grow into a fun and mature adult (without the sulking).
This is a journey that has absolutely changed my life. It has changed the way I am with other children. I have a more positive relationship with my parents. Most importantly, it has given me back my sparkle.
To work on healing your own Inner Child, check out my new offering where I will guide you through the different stages with workbooks, meditations and support.
To read the full poem by Philip Larkin head here
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