Anxiety.
Have you ever felt anxious?
It may (or may not) come as a surprise to you but I am a very anxious person. I pretty much worry about everything.
These days I am slightly better than I used to be, I have worked hard on improving my anxiety levels over the years with yoga, meditation and life coaching.
I’ll give you an example.
I used to be so anxious that I once got run over by my friend, however I was so anxious about hurting their feelings that I didn’t say anything. How did I manage that you ask? Well I was about to get into the back seat of their car when they slowly started reversing. As they reversed the back wheel very slowly ran over my foot. I simply stood and waited until the wheel had rolled off my foot before I got into the car. No one could understand why I wasn’t getting in the car, I just told them to 'wait one moment please'. So there I was, sitting in the car, not actually sure whether or not my foot was broken (surprisingly it wasn’t, just a bit sore) and not wanting to say anything because I was too anxious about hurting their feelings. (They found out about this years later and as you can imagine were horrified!)
In the past my anxiety has led me to cancel plans, to avoid people, to become so exhausted with overthinking that I become ill. It has given me many sleepless nights. It has led to panic attacks. It has caused me to lose my appetite. It has affected me so much that I lose all self worth and confidence. It can truly be debilitating.
At first I learnt ways to hide it. I learnt how to face the world and keep a smile on my face even though inside my heart was beating so fast I felt like I may pass out. There were times when I had to ‘fake it’ so much that it took me a few days to recover. Don’t mistake this for me being a fake person. This was my way of overcoming something I knew wasn’t truly me. I faked it because those people meant so much to me that I wanted them in my life. I knew that I needed to keep surrounding myself with people, especially the people that I love in order to not end up sad and alone. But then of course I would beat myself up that I wasn’t good enough to be around people, I judged and analysed my every word and action. I often expected people to no longer return my calls. If I saw someone in the street that I had just met once I would look the other way because I would just presume they wouldn’t remember me and didn’t want to embarrass myself (or them) by saying hi.
I still get days when I feel very anxious. I usually struggle to leave the house in case I have left the gas on or a window open, I’ll check about 5 times if I do actually have my key. I often worry if I will get to where I am going safely, if the person I am meeting will get there safely. I’ll worry that I will say the wrong thing. Afterwards I will anaylse if I said anything wrong, maybe I spoke too much, or not enough. I’ll worry if that person gets home ok. If I will get home ok.
I accept that I will always be an anxious person. However I have learnt ways to cope with it in a way that allows my real self to shine through. I still worry of course, but I feel more able to be myself around more people. I also care less if someone doesn’t like me. I accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok.
Yoga, meditation and coaching have helped me in so many ways.
Practising yoga has given me a deeper appreciation of my body. These days I care less about what people think about my appearance, but I care more about how my body feels to me. I want to look after and care for my body so that I feel good and healthy.
Meditation is a tricky one. Some days it actually causes me more anxiety. When I try to meditate I often overthink, especially if I am having an anxious day. Some days meditation doesn’t work. So instead I will try going for a walk or reading. But most days meditation does work and I do believe that it has helped to quieten down the constant chatter of my mind. More and more I am able to sit and meditate without the thinking brain going full speed ahead.
Life coaching has helped me to get to the root of my problems and move forward with my life. In particular the Inner Child Healing work has really allowed me to let go of all that baggage that I have been carrying (ok there’s still some I’m holding onto, but it’s much lighter than before, a work in progress)
I’m even anxious about writing this blog post. What if I wrote something wrong, what if I made so many mistakes and errors. What if no-one understands what I wrote. But I hope and wish that even just one person will get me, maybe even relate to what I’m talking about. If this blog post helps one person to not feel so alone in how they are feeling then I will be happy. But even if none of you get it then that’s ok too, because in writing this blog post I have allowed myself to do a little bit of healing and letting go.
If you may be interested in taking Life Coaching sessions or my Inner Child Healing Journey then please get in touch. You are also welcome to contact and share your thoughts about this blog post.
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